Apricot did come back =)

She came back. She was gone for more than 30 hours, but I found her at 5 am in the morning… I was so relieved.

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My baby is gone

I love her so much.  I don’t know how ill live without her.  I’d rather die. Literally. She means the world to me.  I just can’t do life without her. She’s my whole world. I really have nothing but her.

How long do cats leave home for? It’s been thirty hours.

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I’m Paralyzed.  my cat apricot is missing.  She is the only one I have in my life. She’s not just a pet to me.  I don’t have my family. Todor might leave me in the future.  Apricot is my only constant.  I don’t see a point to life without her.  I need her…  I dont know what to do.  I don’t.  I don’t. Please come back.

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Let me love you. Let me love you. Just let me love you.

That is why I love her. Apricot. Because she lets me love her. She’s the only thing constant in my life. Because she lets me love her. She doesn’t have the complexity of a human. She’ll never run away because I love her too much. She just lets me be me. She lets me love. Unconditionally.

Over the years, I’ve learned to put limits to my love. To block my love. I learned that it scares people away. The intensity of my love – it makes me “too easy” for them. And they run. They leave.

And so I learned not to love. No human deserves that kind of love. Not from me. I’ll never love a human the way I know how to love. I can still love. I love Todor. But I love him in a “human socially acceptable” way.

Sometimes I almost let go. I almost let myself love him to my fullest. I almost slip. But I save myself. I know he can hurt me. He left once before. And when he said that we shouldn’t live together, I knew… I know… that he’ll leave again.

Maybe, with time, I’ll learn to trust him. But to love, my kind of love? Not to anyone. No one. Ever.

The pain I felt when we broke up. Not even. After we broke up. The months that passed. I died on the inside. It was like torture. I had only God by my side. And God has all my love. But I’ve been really bad at showing it.

Todor will leave. God will never leave.

I should live in the moment. That is the best advice Todor gave me. I shouldn’t think of the future. And I’m not. And it keeps me happy in his arms. In the past, I’d be thinking of when he’ll leave. But now I don’t. I just lay in his arms. Happy. Happy that I have him. Happy that I love him the “socially acceptable way”. Happy that I can stop myself from loving him my kind of way.

He makes me happy. Thats all.

But no man, no human, will ever get the full extent of my love. I learnt that lesson the hard way. Before Todor. I learnt it way before Todor.

He thinks he knows me. He doesn’t. I mean, he does. But, he doesn’t… No one does… because I don’t know myself…

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I need your advice

I am asking you for help.

Here’s a summary of my life:

I came to Canada in 2004 from abroad at the age of 17, alone, with no family, to study bioinformatics at one of the most prestigious universities. I excelled in first year university. Then I developed borderline personality disorder. I became suicidal. I failed university. I could no longer take a large course load. I wasted a lot of money due to failing – each course costs $2000 since I am an international student.

It is 2013 now. I am still doing my undergrad degree. I stopped failing, but I’m only capable of doing two courses at a time. I ONLY have four courses left to graduate. And I have no money. I can’t borrow from the government, because I’m not Canadian (I’m a refugee claimant). I need $8000. I want to graduate already. I just really want to graduate. I’ve been in undergrad since 2004. That stupid disease ruined my life. I just want to be like everyone else. I had such high hopes and dreams, and all were destroyed. Why? Because of that stupid disease.

I’m trying to make $8000. The best job I could find was a part time job at the source at Mississauga. And I got that job through a connection.

I am a programmer. I have experience working at U of T (cancer research), Sick Kids (Cystic Fibrosis Research), Foreign Telecommunications Company (SQL programmer)… And I have extensive leadership experience. And all I can find is a job at a retail store… And ironically, I suck at it because I can’t seem to do anything right.

The more I think about it, the more I start to believe that the only way out is prostitution. Should I become a prostitute? How else does one make money?? What do I do? Someone please tell me. How do I get a job? how????? I just need money to go back to school… I just want to finish my undergrad. That is my only dream. Please. Please. Please. I just want to finish my undergrad degree. That is all. I just want to graduate.

How does one get a job in Mississauga?

Categories: borderline personality disorder, Finances | Leave a comment

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