She came back. She was gone for more than 30 hours, but I found her at 5 am in the morning… I was so relieved.
I love her so much. I don’t know how ill live without her. I’d rather die. Literally. She means the world to me. I just can’t do life without her. She’s my whole world. I really have nothing but her.
How long do cats leave home for? It’s been thirty hours.
I’m Paralyzed. my cat apricot is missing. She is the only one I have in my life. She’s not just a pet to me. I don’t have my family. Todor might leave me in the future. Apricot is my only constant. I don’t see a point to life without her. I need her… I dont know what to do. I don’t. I don’t. Please come back.
Let me love you. Let me love you. Just let me love you.
That is why I love her. Apricot. Because she lets me love her. She’s the only thing constant in my life. Because she lets me love her. She doesn’t have the complexity of a human. She’ll never run away because I love her too much. She just lets me be me. She lets me love. Unconditionally.
Over the years, I’ve learned to put limits to my love. To block my love. I learned that it scares people away. The intensity of my love – it makes me “too easy” for them. And they run. They leave.
And so I learned not to love. No human deserves that kind of love. Not from me. I’ll never love a human the way I know how to love. I can still love. I love Todor. But I love him in a “human socially acceptable” way.
Sometimes I almost let go. I almost let myself love him to my fullest. I almost slip. But I save myself. I know he can hurt me. He left once before. And when he said that we shouldn’t live together, I knew… I know… that he’ll leave again.
Maybe, with time, I’ll learn to trust him. But to love, my kind of love? Not to anyone. No one. Ever.
The pain I felt when we broke up. Not even. After we broke up. The months that passed. I died on the inside. It was like torture. I had only God by my side. And God has all my love. But I’ve been really bad at showing it.
Todor will leave. God will never leave.
I should live in the moment. That is the best advice Todor gave me. I shouldn’t think of the future. And I’m not. And it keeps me happy in his arms. In the past, I’d be thinking of when he’ll leave. But now I don’t. I just lay in his arms. Happy. Happy that I have him. Happy that I love him the “socially acceptable way”. Happy that I can stop myself from loving him my kind of way.
He makes me happy. Thats all.
But no man, no human, will ever get the full extent of my love. I learnt that lesson the hard way. Before Todor. I learnt it way before Todor.
He thinks he knows me. He doesn’t. I mean, he does. But, he doesn’t… No one does… because I don’t know myself…
I am asking you for help.
Here’s a summary of my life:
I came to Canada in 2004 from abroad at the age of 17, alone, with no family, to study bioinformatics at one of the most prestigious universities. I excelled in first year university. Then I developed borderline personality disorder. I became suicidal. I failed university. I could no longer take a large course load. I wasted a lot of money due to failing – each course costs $2000 since I am an international student.
It is 2013 now. I am still doing my undergrad degree. I stopped failing, but I’m only capable of doing two courses at a time. I ONLY have four courses left to graduate. And I have no money. I can’t borrow from the government, because I’m not Canadian (I’m a refugee claimant). I need $8000. I want to graduate already. I just really want to graduate. I’ve been in undergrad since 2004. That stupid disease ruined my life. I just want to be like everyone else. I had such high hopes and dreams, and all were destroyed. Why? Because of that stupid disease.
I’m trying to make $8000. The best job I could find was a part time job at the source at Mississauga. And I got that job through a connection.
I am a programmer. I have experience working at U of T (cancer research), Sick Kids (Cystic Fibrosis Research), Foreign Telecommunications Company (SQL programmer)… And I have extensive leadership experience. And all I can find is a job at a retail store… And ironically, I suck at it because I can’t seem to do anything right.
The more I think about it, the more I start to believe that the only way out is prostitution. Should I become a prostitute? How else does one make money?? What do I do? Someone please tell me. How do I get a job? how????? I just need money to go back to school… I just want to finish my undergrad. That is my only dream. Please. Please. Please. I just want to finish my undergrad degree. That is all. I just want to graduate.
How does one get a job in Mississauga?